Mental & Emotional States

Mentally, I am doing fine.  I have come to terms with the fact that I'll be having major surgery, that I won't be able to pick Baby Will up for six weeks, and that there's a good chance I won't be going to Taiwan.  I know that when the doctor uses words like "mass" and "sinister," he is really saying "tumor" and "cancer."  I also understand that while this is scary and wildly inconvenient, it really is all going to be okay.  There are no signs of "sinister activity" in my lymph nodes or other organs.  I know that there will be a time in the not too distant future where we can put all of this scary stuff behind us.

Emotionally, I am a roller coaster.  I hold it together really well most of the time.  I feel perfectly healthy and it's easy to forget for a while.   It's like my parents are here for a nice surprise visit.  We're going hiking today, we ordered sushi, we're giggling about silly stories (one time my dad stopped at a stop light and one of his tires rolled right off his car and through the intersection- what?!).

But then there are moments where it hits me.  Where the words "tumor" and potentially "cancer" set in.  Moments (however brief and irrational) where I picture Grant raising Will by himself.  I am overwhelmed by the love and support of those who are rallying behind us-- thinking of us, praying for us, even fasting for us.  I realize that this really is a big deal, with a lot of unknown consequences for my future.  How will this affect my migraines?  How will I take care of my sweet baby?  And really as silly as this is... I really have to have a freaking epidural?!  I worked pretty darn hard to avoid that sucker last year when Will was born... boo.

Thank you so much for all of your support.  I feel so loved and cared for.  I know that prayer is power and I can feel the power of your prayers.  We're having a fast this Sunday if you would like to join us.  There are potentially some big decisions to be made and I know the Lord will help me make the right ones.  Now I'm off to climb up a mountain-- everything is clearer with the perspective of a higher altitude.